I'm feeling a combination of anxiety and numbness today. I tried to feel thankful this morning but although I know I have so many things to be thankful for, I just can't get connected to that feeling of gratitude. It's frustrating that my mind and body refuse to cooperate with me. So I'm trying to just accept what it is that I'm feeling and not put too much presssure on myself to feel grateful or happy. As I said in my previous post, unconditional self acceptance entails being able to allow whatever you are thinking or feeling at the moment just be. I know that way I am feeling right now is a product of OCD and I resent this disorder sometimes for sabotaging my effots to change. But it is what it is, and wishing it could be any other way is denial of reality. And that doesn't help me one bit. So as hard as it might be, I'm going to sit with these feelings right now.
I know logically, I have so much to be grateful for. Being alive, being able to breathe clean air, having a job, having a job that allows me at least 1.5 hours of me time so I can communicate with you lovely people out there :), having a great view of the city from my office, the fact that it's going to be 30 degrees, the fact that I have a great husband who I get to communicate with throughout the day using messenger...there are so many other wonderful things in my life that I know I should be thankful for even if I can't feel thankful for them. But I know they are there, and I know I am blessed, and I guess for right now just the knowledge that I have so many blessings will have to be enough. I'll just have to be thankful in my mind rather than thankful in my heart.
The important thing for me is to realize that the negative mood I am in right now has nothing to do with my external circumstances. That's a huge realization for me. Years ago I would have blamed this mood on my relationship not being right and I would have felt like I should leave the relationship to find happiness. but I know that this mood is solely a product of the mind and I have faith I will pass and once again be more positive. It's just a matter of waiting out this mood. I'm growing already! :)
I will update you on how my evening went. I went for a long walk last night to enjoy the sunshine and warm weather. I wasn't going to at first, I thought I might wait until this evening to do it as I was so tired yesterday, but my husband encouraged me to go. So I did, and I brought my MP3 player with me. I do a lot of flipping around between songs on my MP3 player normally trying to find a song I really love, but lucky for me, every song I heard on my walk I loved, so I could just relax and enjoy myself on the walk instead of playing around with the machine. I also did about 5 minutes of mediation last night before I went to bed. This is something I would like to get into on a regular basis. For Christmas last year, my husband got me some books on meditation. Though I read through most of each and tried out a couple of the techniques, I soon gave up because I felt like I wasn't doing it right. I have a huge preoccupation with attaining "rightness" in my life, whether it's making sure I have the right feelings or doing something right. I think it's related to having OCD in some ways. But anyways, I have made myself a goal of meditating for 5 minutes every night, and eventually build up to more. I don't look forward to it, because I'm scared I'm going to fail at it, I think. But 5 minutes won't kill me and eventually I may enjoy the activity. A few weeks ago, my husband got me a padded chair that I could use during meditation. I was previously lying on the floor, which I have been advised not to do because it affects the air flow throughout the body. The padded chair is perfect, and I am indeed grateful for both it and my husband's thoughtfulness and support.
My husband is the greatest. He's very supportive of all my attempts to improve my life. He has stood by me through the worst of my OCD, which is just as hard on him as it is on me. He is truly a blessing and I don't know what I would do without him, I really don't. He's one of my many blessings.
Think I'll end this post on a positive note. :) Take care guys. Hope everyone is having a super day.
No comments:
Post a Comment