First Post - My Story

Hi everyone,

These days it seems like everyone is blogging about something, whether it's fashion, weightloss, travel, or nothing at all. I wanted to get in on the action for a couple of reasons: it's fun to blog and it helps clarify for me my journey towards gratitude and, ultimately, unconditional self-acceptance.

For about as long as I can remember, I have suffered from feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy. I have had low self esteem since early grade school and have never really addressed it. I have never really taken the time to see the good in me or in my life because I have been bombarded with messages that there is nothing worthwhile about me, mostly from peers. My parents, as loving as they always have been, I"m sure have assisted (unknowingly) in crippling my self-esteem.

I am 33 years old and have been with my husband for a total of almost 5 years (September 10 will mark 5 years, and September 19 will mark 2 years of marriage). A combination of my low self-esteem and unhappiness, as well as a condition called Relationship Substantiated Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (ROCD), have impacted my relationship with him in significant ways. I have come to realize that I have looked to him all these years for my happiness and contentment. I, like so many people, have thought time and time again, "If only my relationship had x, this would be perfect and I would be so happy." I know now that this is a myth.

After so many years of hearing people say that in order to be happy in a relationship you have to be happy within yourself, I finally believe those words. It is not one's external circumstances that makes one happy. Contentment, satisfaction, happiness --- these all lie inside of us and can manifest themselves in the most dire of circumstances.

So after f*cking away my life for the better part of it, I have decided that things need to change, that I need to change. I need to turn inwardly and discover all the wonderful things that lie within me and within my life. No longer will I operate under the assumption that my circumstances need to be just so in order to feel like I am a worthwhile person and that my life is good. I want to see that good that already exists and embrace it. It's important to me to establish the paradigm that, no matter what flaws I may possess, at my core I am an okay person. I need to develop the belief that I have no reason to hate myself and that whatever mistakes I have made and will continue to make do not make me loathesome. I think that my attainment of self-acceptance entails a few things:

1) Forgiveness and Compassion. I am human, and, as such, I will sometimes make mistakes. I will sometimes hurt people I love. I will sometimes have bad intentions. I will sometimes be dishonest. To ever accept myself unconditionally, I have to be willing to show myself forgiveness and compassion when I fail (whether I am actually failing or just think that I am). I need to be able to believe that no matter what I do there is good in me. In other words, I can't ever turn my back on myself in my worst moments.

2) To Allow Undesirable Thoughts and Feelings to Exist. As an OCD, I'm sort of in the business of well...NOT allowing undesirable thoughts and feelings. I need to acknowledge and give permission to the existence of thoughts and emotions I do not want to have, even the darkest and most uncomfortable ones. This is something that is very difficult for me to do, but I know it is key to me being able to walk through life with the knowledge that I am essentially okay as a person.

3) Gratitude and Wanting What You Have. This one's a toughie, because the mind rarely allows these two things to happen, especially if your belief that you need more to be is deeply entrenched. I know I have a wonderful life. I probably have more than a lot of people in this world have. I'm sure lots of people would want to trade places with me, just as I have felt so many times that I want someone else's life. I have never taken the time to appreciate each individual blessing in my life, every detail that makes my life positive and meaningful. Instead of focussing on wanting more, I want to say "enough" and embrace what I have. What I have is may not be everything I could want, but it is plenty and worthy of celebration. I'm not just talking about a celebration of all the things I own, the qualities of the relationships I cherish, or my external circumstances, but a celebration of who I am as a person. I will carry around with me at all times the belief that I am everything to myself, if that makes any sense.

Can I just say, right off the bat, 3 things I am grateful for at this very moment? That I have the oppurtunity to start a blog like this, that I am taking the initiative to change my life for the better, and that I am a good writer. There...that was easy. :)

It's a challenge to be grateful when you suffer from an anxiety disorder like OCD. You get random bouts of anxiety in your body randomly and it changes your ability to think clearly. It's the one thing that I resent about this disorder right now, now that I am trying to purposefully think positively and feel gratitude. Anxiety and trying to feel gratitude at the same time doesn't work too well. But I will do my best, because that's all anyone can ever do.

I think that's it for now. Thanks for reading. Talk to you tomorrow, I hope. Have a blessed day.