Having Trouble Feeling the Gratitude Today

I'm feeling a combination of anxiety and numbness today. I tried to feel thankful this morning but although I know I have so many things to be thankful for, I just can't get connected to that feeling of gratitude. It's frustrating that my mind and body refuse to cooperate with me. So I'm trying to just accept what it is that I'm feeling and not put too much presssure on myself to feel grateful or happy. As I said in my previous post, unconditional self acceptance entails being able to allow whatever you are thinking or feeling at the moment just be. I know that way I am feeling right now is a product of OCD and I resent this disorder sometimes for sabotaging my effots to change. But it is what it is, and wishing it could be any other way is denial of reality. And that doesn't help me one bit. So as hard as it might be, I'm going to sit with these feelings right now.

I know logically, I have so much to be grateful for. Being alive, being able to breathe clean air, having a job, having a job that allows me at least 1.5 hours of me time so I can communicate with you lovely people out there :), having a great view of the city from my office, the fact that it's going to be 30 degrees, the fact that I have a great husband who I get to communicate with throughout the day using messenger...there are so many other wonderful things in my life that I know I should be thankful for even if I can't feel thankful for them. But I know they are there, and I know I am blessed, and I guess for right now just the knowledge that I have so many blessings will have to be enough. I'll just have to be thankful in my mind rather than thankful in my heart.

The important thing for me is to realize that the negative mood I am in right now has nothing to do with my external circumstances. That's a huge realization for me. Years ago I would have blamed this mood on my relationship not being right and I would have felt like I should leave the relationship to find happiness. but I know that this mood is solely a product of the mind and I have faith I will pass and once again be more positive. It's just a matter of waiting out this mood. I'm growing already! :)

I will update you on how my evening went. I went for a long walk last night to enjoy the sunshine and warm weather. I wasn't going to at first, I thought I might wait until this evening to do it as I was so tired yesterday, but my husband encouraged me to go. So I did, and I brought my MP3 player with me. I do a lot of flipping around between songs on my MP3 player normally trying to find a song I really love, but lucky for me, every song I heard on my walk I loved, so I could just relax and enjoy myself on the walk instead of playing around with the machine. I also did about 5 minutes of mediation last night before I went to bed. This is something I would like to get into on a regular basis. For Christmas last year, my husband got me some books on meditation. Though I read through most of each and tried out a couple of the techniques, I soon gave up because I felt like I wasn't doing it right. I have a huge preoccupation with attaining "rightness" in my life, whether it's making sure I have the right feelings or doing something right. I think it's related to having OCD in some ways. But anyways, I have made myself a goal of meditating for 5 minutes every night, and eventually build up to more. I don't look forward to it, because I'm scared I'm going to fail at it, I think. But 5 minutes won't kill me and eventually I may enjoy the activity. A few weeks ago, my husband got me a padded chair that I could use during meditation. I was previously lying on the floor, which I have been advised not to do because it affects the air flow throughout the body. The padded chair is perfect, and I am indeed grateful for both it and my husband's thoughtfulness and support.

My husband is the greatest. He's very supportive of all my attempts to improve my life. He has stood by me through the worst of my OCD, which is just as hard on him as it is on me. He is truly a blessing and I don't know what I would do without him, I really don't. He's one of my many blessings.

Think I'll end this post on a positive note. :) Take care guys. Hope everyone is having a super day.

First Post - My Story

Hi everyone,

These days it seems like everyone is blogging about something, whether it's fashion, weightloss, travel, or nothing at all. I wanted to get in on the action for a couple of reasons: it's fun to blog and it helps clarify for me my journey towards gratitude and, ultimately, unconditional self-acceptance.

For about as long as I can remember, I have suffered from feelings of worthlessness and inadequacy. I have had low self esteem since early grade school and have never really addressed it. I have never really taken the time to see the good in me or in my life because I have been bombarded with messages that there is nothing worthwhile about me, mostly from peers. My parents, as loving as they always have been, I"m sure have assisted (unknowingly) in crippling my self-esteem.

I am 33 years old and have been with my husband for a total of almost 5 years (September 10 will mark 5 years, and September 19 will mark 2 years of marriage). A combination of my low self-esteem and unhappiness, as well as a condition called Relationship Substantiated Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (ROCD), have impacted my relationship with him in significant ways. I have come to realize that I have looked to him all these years for my happiness and contentment. I, like so many people, have thought time and time again, "If only my relationship had x, this would be perfect and I would be so happy." I know now that this is a myth.

After so many years of hearing people say that in order to be happy in a relationship you have to be happy within yourself, I finally believe those words. It is not one's external circumstances that makes one happy. Contentment, satisfaction, happiness --- these all lie inside of us and can manifest themselves in the most dire of circumstances.

So after f*cking away my life for the better part of it, I have decided that things need to change, that I need to change. I need to turn inwardly and discover all the wonderful things that lie within me and within my life. No longer will I operate under the assumption that my circumstances need to be just so in order to feel like I am a worthwhile person and that my life is good. I want to see that good that already exists and embrace it. It's important to me to establish the paradigm that, no matter what flaws I may possess, at my core I am an okay person. I need to develop the belief that I have no reason to hate myself and that whatever mistakes I have made and will continue to make do not make me loathesome. I think that my attainment of self-acceptance entails a few things:

1) Forgiveness and Compassion. I am human, and, as such, I will sometimes make mistakes. I will sometimes hurt people I love. I will sometimes have bad intentions. I will sometimes be dishonest. To ever accept myself unconditionally, I have to be willing to show myself forgiveness and compassion when I fail (whether I am actually failing or just think that I am). I need to be able to believe that no matter what I do there is good in me. In other words, I can't ever turn my back on myself in my worst moments.

2) To Allow Undesirable Thoughts and Feelings to Exist. As an OCD, I'm sort of in the business of well...NOT allowing undesirable thoughts and feelings. I need to acknowledge and give permission to the existence of thoughts and emotions I do not want to have, even the darkest and most uncomfortable ones. This is something that is very difficult for me to do, but I know it is key to me being able to walk through life with the knowledge that I am essentially okay as a person.

3) Gratitude and Wanting What You Have. This one's a toughie, because the mind rarely allows these two things to happen, especially if your belief that you need more to be is deeply entrenched. I know I have a wonderful life. I probably have more than a lot of people in this world have. I'm sure lots of people would want to trade places with me, just as I have felt so many times that I want someone else's life. I have never taken the time to appreciate each individual blessing in my life, every detail that makes my life positive and meaningful. Instead of focussing on wanting more, I want to say "enough" and embrace what I have. What I have is may not be everything I could want, but it is plenty and worthy of celebration. I'm not just talking about a celebration of all the things I own, the qualities of the relationships I cherish, or my external circumstances, but a celebration of who I am as a person. I will carry around with me at all times the belief that I am everything to myself, if that makes any sense.

Can I just say, right off the bat, 3 things I am grateful for at this very moment? That I have the oppurtunity to start a blog like this, that I am taking the initiative to change my life for the better, and that I am a good writer. There...that was easy. :)

It's a challenge to be grateful when you suffer from an anxiety disorder like OCD. You get random bouts of anxiety in your body randomly and it changes your ability to think clearly. It's the one thing that I resent about this disorder right now, now that I am trying to purposefully think positively and feel gratitude. Anxiety and trying to feel gratitude at the same time doesn't work too well. But I will do my best, because that's all anyone can ever do.

I think that's it for now. Thanks for reading. Talk to you tomorrow, I hope. Have a blessed day.